Monday, September 10, 2012

Evening Mantra

I'm sitting outside because it's the perfect temperature and after an evening thunderstorm it's been raining off and on in light drizzels.  It smells heavenly. And clean. And I feel myself relax out here. I have been longing for simplicity for weeks. I have a hard time with the pace of life.  Am I just a lightweight? I love to be busy but I feel mentally and emotionally worn. I want to disappear by myself for a few weeks, until I can't stand it any more.   What's wrong with me, really. I'm a mom and I love my children more than anything but lately I've wanted to run and hide from the title.  A title I dreamed of having my whole life.  I think I'm normal. I think I'm burnt out. I've been on a high all spring and for much of the summer but I feel like a plane that runs out of fuel and skids to a stop in the dirt.

I'm tired.  I need to allow my heart it's weak moments. I need to acknowledge my dark times. I'm tired of telling myself to keep going, keep giving, keep pushing.  Stay strong for others. Stay strong for all the others. They all need your strength. God gave you strength so use it Megan.  Well tonight there is no stength.  Just existing. Just rest.  Just breathing.  The earth doesn't need me to live. It breathes without me.  It happens separate from me. It doesn't care if I live or die and tonight that is a relief.  I'm a human. I'm a spirit. And my trials are still new to me.  I will allow myself a few breaths...


Kris said...

Yes... do allow yourself a few breaths... please. And no talk of living and dying - you're scaring me. There's something about the fall that is so much more exhausting than the summer, and perhaps that's not what you're talking about... but that's what I have picked up on the past 2 weeks. Glad you had a small moment of peace tonight.