Dear Blog readers (I'm sure I have a few...),
I miss the old me. The one who had clarity. The one who could lay down and think for twenty minutes and have all the world's problems solved, including my own. Picture old me:
Super cool huh.
I feel like someone put a whisk inside my head and mixed soundly. And then slapped 20 pounds on me, added some gray hairs and wrinkles and took half my energy.
Arggg. Its not supposed to be like this. Having a 3 year old is making me a little nuts. He is so constant. He talks non stop from the time he wakes up till he falls asleep at night. He doesn't like to do anything by himself, he wants my to be fully involved in whatever he's doing. And he asks "why" to EVERYTHING! Litterally everything.
"What are you doing Mom?"
"Watering plants",
"Why",
"Because they're thirsty,"
"Why are they thirsty?",
"because its sunny out"
"Why is it sunny out? Why does that make the plants thirsty?"
"Because the sun makes it hot and that dries out the plants"
"Why?"
"Because it does." (Can a 3 year old comprehend evaporation?)
"Why it does?"
"I don't know, it just does."
"Why 'i don't know'?"
"Cause I don't!"
"Why you don't?"
"Because."
"Why because."
I'm not exaggerating one bit. This was the exact conversation we had this morning. And we had conversations like this all. day. long.
Don't get me wrong. I love my Sol so much. On the scale of 3 year olds he's pretty mild. He rarely throws fits or is mean to other kids. So what is my deal?! I'm frustrated that I'm frustrated. I'm doing my best to stay calm. I'm trying to take breaks. I have a cute little neighbor girl that comes and watches the kids for me so I can clean or run errands. So what is my deal? Help. Anyone. I want to be a good mom. I want to love motherhood. But instead I'm turning into "grumpo" mom who snaps at her precious babies. Not what I EVER wanted.
And Ruby.
While she is as cute as a button and happy as ever, she is 'search and destroy' baby. She wants the world on a plate and she's going to get it now! She's generally happy but she is into everything. Today she climbed on a small stool to then climb onto a big stool to then climb on the cupboard to get a marker that I took from her. I sat and watched her, amazed. She's 11 months people. Not even 1! And if you're holding her and she wants you to go to the left or right she'll throw herself that direction or climbs on your face to get what she wants. Tonight she wanted to climb the banister. She literally climbed up my shoulder and stepped on my face to try to climb it.
I hate complaining. You're thinking "Uh-huh, sounds like it Meg." I really do. I just don't know how to make this better....and I want to be happy and calm and nice and sweet and patient and loving and perfect. Well I do! Who doesn't want to be perfect?!
Who sets out saying, "I'm going to be a mediocre mom and I'll expect the same of my kids." I know perfection isn't attainable so then what is there?
Help. Its late. I better wrap this up before the 'crazy' starts to come out. ;)
Too late. :)
-Megan
Sail Away
2 years ago
6 comments:
i completely feel you, and i only have the one (who is also a crazy 11 month babe. i finally bought a baby jail to keep the crazy contained. it might make me a bad mom, but it also might make me a saner, and i think the trade-off is worth it)
i think you need to find something that you enjoy doing that is just for YOU, not the kids, not dave, just megan. and take time to do that a couple of times/week. this is something i really struggle with, but when i can consistently do it, it does wonders for the way i feel about myself/family/life/etc. i am in the same boat right now, where the only time i take by myself is to do errands w/o interruption, and i also feel like i'm on the verge of losing it. alone time, megan, it has to be the answer! :)
Oh, dear Megan. I've been in the same little funk for awhile now, too. I'm so sorry! I've found that when I start feeling this way, if I will stop doing the things I *think* need to be done (housework, fancy (or even hot!) dinner, millions of errands, etc) and just focus on OP for an entire day, his need for constant attention seems to be fulfilled, allowing me to get other things done the next day or so. It doesn't always work, but I find that if I at least try to do it things seem a little less frustrating. Also having an activity planned to do every day seems to help, even if it's something simple like coloring or even having him help me with the cleaning helps to break up the day.
I agree with ^your friend there^ that it helps to have something for you. Moms need hobbies and interests away from their kids--that's what keeps us sane and helps to refill our personal energy stores so that we can give more to our kids, spouses, house, etc.
Don't be so hard on yourself. The fact that you listed so many great qualities in Sol tells me that you're doing a great job! :)
I too feel your pain! It's hard.....no way around it! I think all of us "moms" feels this way at one point or another and knowing that I'm not the only one helps! I also find that those frustrating times go in cycles and " this too shall pass". I'm sure you're a wonderful Mom and you can tell by your sweet kids!
Oh Meg - I should have seen this BEFORE we went camping this weekend. :-) I know what you mean - I lost my mind when I had Logan, but something really went wrong during his third year... it was a dark year for me. Full of frustration, I didn't love myself, I was constantly yelling at the boys, well just Logan, too much. I don't know if it was the fact that he was three, or that I had two children or both.
And I don't know if it seems a smidge better now that he's four, or that I've gotten used to a subtle craziness in my mind, or both. One thing I know is that losing pictures from 2 years of Logan's life has completely changed me. Everything is so much more sentimental to me. I'm starting to look at him diferently - like he's little, because he really is still little. I've started appreciating him and his craziness more and journaling more... I want to remember everything he does now - good and bad.
Hang in there - you're a wonderful mom and I look up to you so much!
And you're right it was night of H*** but I'm so glad we went - we still had fun!
MEG! i've been meaning to comment on this -
just keep doing what you're doing. because you're amazing.
being a mom is just dang hard. most days i feel like i've fallen 100 steps short. three is such a hard age! wow. i was not expecting it to be so hard. they are driven and opinionated and emotional- and transitions are just a nightmare...and sometimes i just want to scream. loud. ahhhh.
but somehow our parents survived us being three. and their parents survived them being three...so it has to work out right??
honestly, i really think we're just supposed to do our best. and i know you are doing your best because that's just you. it is no easy/simple thing you are doing...but it is THE BEST. and you are the perfect mama for those kiddos. they're so lucky to have you and i'm so lucky to know you! HUG!
Oh Megan-I echo the words of your other commenters :) and know that you're not alone at least! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like that sometimes. Besides all the suggestions, I draw a lot of extra help from heaven-I spend time searching and reading all the general conference talks on motherhood and related comments because at least it helps me know I'm doing what our Father wants and I gain a lot of strength knowing the church is behind me. Then I pray like crazy for the patience I don't have and face another day!! And, I guess they will grow up eventually and life will change :)
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